What Do I Want?

Understanding Desire and Creating Your Own Life After Trauma

My loves, welcome to my new newsletter series: Living Beyond Survival. I’ve been so in my process behind the scenes untangling pattern after pattern, and now it feels right to let it externalize outside of just me.

If there is one thing I have learned it’s that we are never alone in any of our experiences as we feel and heal, and sharing the juice of my own journey always seems to spark something for some of you. So, this is our space to get into it even more deeply, with even more detail.

You won’t see me sharing any courses here. I’m just expressing and sharing the lessons. Unfiltered.

First up —

I’ve grappled a lot with the question “what do I want” this year. I used to have a friend who would criticize me, and even question how honest or trustworthy I am, because I would express how I wanted one thing, but then go for another.

I used to really try to take accountability here. I would wonder – Is there something wrong with me? Am I settling? Do I not think I’m worthy? Do I not believe in myself?

But none of that was valid. I was healing. I was learning.

I was stripping away what was still lingering after a lifetime of freezing, fawning and fighting.

It was these states that had me convinced I wanted certain things:

The picture-perfect relationship, the big community, luxury and convenience. I had such stories around what all of it meant.

And I wonder if this is a place we all get stuck… we create stories around what we think we want, what we see another person having, what we think will make us feel loved and safe.

And in that, we want to be right. We attach to our stories and these perceived desires.

And really, it's bullshit. It’s trauma, actually.